In a cave inside my head hides a terrorist who has been waging a holy war for a very long time.
He believes that scaring me is the only way to create change and growth.
He presents a running list of demands — all the things I must accomplish before I can love myself.
Recently I recognized that the items on what I’ve come to call my terror-list were not really problems.
My real and only problem was the list itself, the belief that I am a collection of problems that must be solved before I can be peaceful and happy.
Sometimes my attitude toward this list has been to acquiesce to its tyranny. I’ll push myself with fear and guilt to accomplish as much as I can, and usually have little or no fun in the process.
Other times I will seek to overthrow the terrorist with a labor strike. “No I won’t, and you can’t make me!” my rebel shouts in defiance, while making sure I am engaged in his favorite form of peaceful, passive, political protest…being a couch potato.
When the rebel takes over, nothing gets done, and another task gest added to the terrorist’s to-do list:
Shame myself for laziness, procrastination, and self-sabotage.
Time and experience have proven to me that my inner terrorist cannot be dealt with through force or resistance, both of which seem to make him stronger.
The war on terror is a waste of time.
Here’s how I negotiate a cease-fire, and even some lasting inner peace with my inner terror-list:
I actually listen and empathize with this part of me compassionately, making contact with the deeper feelings (fear, hurt, and sadness) underneath the surface show of aggression, and seeing clearly, from a detached place, the game he is playing.
This is the way the game goes:
First we imagine that there is such a thing as perfection, and that we are falling quite short of it.
Then we summon our childhood friends from the old neighborhood, guilt and shame, to march in a holy war to rid ourselves of our faults and weaknesses.
So what is this terror-list, really? An old, outdated, way of thinking and relating . . . Puritan, fear-based, unconscious, mental masturbation. And, like many old-time religious folks believed about masturbation, this kind does indeed lead to going blind: losing sight of the beauty in myself and in others.
Lately I’ve had increasing success negotiating a cease-fire with my inner terrorist. As soon as I become aware of struggling to meet demands on the terror-list, my higher self kicks in and reminds me that I have a job to do (be) and that there is nothing I need to fix before doing (being) it. I got the job by answering an ad that God put on Gracebook. Here is what I saw:
HELP WANTED: FANTASTIC HIGHER SELF-EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY!
NEEDED:
Sincere human beings to give their gifts and be the light of the world. Doesn’t matter how flawed you imagine yourself to be. Perfection not required, just willingness. Must be willing to give and receive love, voice your vision, stand for truth, face your fears, forgive mistakes, own your shadow, be the light, trust the universe, and enjoy mystery, paradox and change. Come as you are. On the job training provided. …Oh, and must be willing to consider that you are mistaken about being damaged goods. God doesn’t make junk.
This planet doesn’t have the luxury of the time I waste when I indulge in my addiction to thinking I’m not good enough. There is work to be done. Humanity needs me (and you) to heal inner terrorism and to be a channel for love.
Unconditional, across the board self-acceptance is what opens the conduit.
I con du it. You con du it.
We each can do our part, once we stop giving our power away to the voice inside our head that makes us feel small, scared, and inadequate.
The choice has always been this simple, but it has never been this abundantly clear: love or fear.
Both are quite contagious, and both are spread rapidly from mind to mind and heart to heart.
What are you choosing in this moment?
