Because it is Valentines Day, let’s take a peek behind the scenes into what goes on in the….
THE CLASSROOM OF ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
Relationship Stage One (Attraction, Honeymoon)
I applied to a great school and I’ve been accepted! I’m on the top of the world! (And I blame my partner for my joy…)
Relationship Stage Two (Friction, Power Struggle)
Classes begin, homework is assigned, egos bump heads… (And I blame my partner for my pain…)
Relationship Stage Three (Mature Love)
Egos have been sandpapered smooth enough to begin to give our unique partnership gifts to the world. (And I thank God for our joy!)
Romantic Balloons And Bubbles That Must Be Busted For Class To Proceed…
1. I can get all my needs met by one person… my soul mate will do that for me.
2. The right person will make me happy.
3. Having a partner will make my life easier.
4. The ease and high of the honeymoon stage should last forever and if it doesn’t this person must not be the ‘one’ for me.
5. Being in a relationship will increase my self-esteem and add meaning to my life, putting an end to my loneliness, issues of rejection, and feeling abandoned.
The Healing Path Of Relationships
Unavoidable Relationship Facts That Cause Great Suffering When Not Understood And Accepted
1. Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of healing and release. Trust the colonic… A relationship will make the unconscious conscious so you can see (and smell) your crap and choose out of it.
2. Your partner is your mirror, not your savior, and will wind up treating you the way you secretly (or not so secretly) treat yourself. That’s a big motivator to make loving and accepting yourself a top priority. James Taylor wrote “You’ve been better to me than I’ve been to myself.” That’s a honeymoon stage fairy tale. In real life your partner is your mirror, not your savior.
3. Welcome and prepare for conflicts. Expecting them to occur is wise, not cynical. Your partner will trigger the hell out of you at times. It’s part of their divine job description. If you keep your feet on the ground than relationship won’t bring you to your knees. Have tools to use and agreements in place for when buttons get pushed. Relationship will flush out issues of abandonment and entrapment, encouraging you to stop abandoning yourself, prompting you to drop your masks and outdated survival strategies, and assisting you to learn the delicate dance between autonomy and intimacy, taking care of yourself and caring about someone else.
4. Any unfinished business with Mom and Dad, past partners or siblings, will eventually surface between you and your partner. This is a great blessing and is part of how the universe always moves us towards healing, completion, and mastery.
5. A conscious relationship is a spiritual path. The purpose of a spiritual path is to disillusion you (remove you from illusions). Embrace that and you grow into mature love. Resist that and you suffer deeply. Eckart Tolle reminds us that “The purpose of relationship is not to make you happy. It is to make you conscious.”
RELATIONSHIP GROWTH IN FOUR CHAPTERS
Chapter 1- You attract re-enactments of your childhood wounding…i.e.- an unavailable alcoholic, a controlling mother, etc. You wonder why life is doing this to you. Where are all the available men? Where are all the good women? Why am I being deprived? What’s wrong with me? When will I be loved?
Chapter 2- You continue to attract replicas of your history, but you are learning to respond in other ways besides feeling like a victim. You recognize that the universe is out to heal you by helping to bring your unresolved feelings to the surface for resolution, and to give you the opportunity to complete with your past by learning to respond differently. i.e. – instead of silently trembling in the dark or acting out in punitive ways (childhood responses), the adult learns to speak up, express feelings without blaming, and to say no.
Chapter 3- You attract someone who is mostly different from your past but has the potential to act the part if driven in that direction. They become an occasional replica of your history, giving you plenty of practice in responding in other ways besides the limited choices available in childhood.
Chapter 4- You eventually draw in someone who is not at all like your controlling mother or your absent father and you occasionally project your childhood story on to them and work through the feelings without full blown suffering and constant drama. What’s relationship about then? It’s about giving and receiving love, celebrating life together, and serving the earth with your feet on the ground.
The Gift Of Grief: Fully mourning what you didn’t get in childhood moves you through the chapters and prepares you to be an adult who can bring realistic expectations to a relationship.
The Gift Of Relationship: It will bring you face to face with your unresolved childhood pain until your grief work is completed.