About a year ago I sent out an email and a Facebook message to thousands, basically saying that my life was falling apart, please send money, prayers, hugs, and flowers, in that order. I had mixed feelings about that share. I had a great deal of shame about myself and my misfortunes, and going public with my pain ran counter-intuitive to the logic of my ego. But it was also so freeing to come out from behind the curtain and reveal myself to be not a wizard with his life all together, but a fellow human going though a hard patch and asking for some help. An outpouring of love and support extended itself to me, and now, one year later, it seems a good time to check in with everyone and once again share more personally about my journey.
For those of you who didn’t get the original memo, basically, in August of last year my relationship partner of ten years ended it. We had a daughter between us that was four years old. I was shocked. Devastated. It seemed out of the blue. I wanted to enter couples therapy and get support, support that might have led us to perhaps part ways in the end, but more consciously, mutually, and peacefully. But this was her choice, she had reached her completion point, and so it was.
And so I grieved.
I grieved day and night for more than a year, knowing that it would not have been in my best interest to pull myself up with my own bootstraps and use my will power to move on with my life. It was a season for mourning and clearing, for facing and embracing pain, pain that had been with me more than just my adult life. As tempting as it was to blame my partner, my goodness, all she did was leave me. With myself. The pain was in me. Had been. No blame. (Although that did not stop me from projecting some her way!)
I became the town crier in my little town of Fairfax, CA. I walked the streets crying openly and loudly, tapping the EFT tapping points while I walked, offering up my pain, not caring what others might think of me. How freeing!
Not that I had much of a choice. It was that pressing and intense.
Grieving was my full time job. Making money? I would have loved to, but it just wasn’t a priority at the time. It was my time to get naked and peel my way down past the shame to a core level truth about me that I had not yet embraced totally: That I am good enough, lovable, whole and complete, and can stand on my own two feet, in or out of a relationship.
And so, in the window of opportunity opened by my grief, I dredged up and purged an identity of unworthiness that had had me by my balls my whole life. Oh, I felt good enough while I was in the relationship, at least for the first eight years. I had a beautiful, kind woman to call partner. But once she pulled away and let me go, the perception of myself as damaged goods returned with a vengeance. I tried all the ego bandaids for covering a wound: dating and romancing others, (great for avoiding loneliness, but not for healing) sex-capades (great for momentary pleasure, but not for long term happiness), and spinning my former partner into an evil witch. (An unavoidable pleasure, till it made me sick.)
I’m no longer grieving full time. It’s a part time job now, a few evening tears, some weekends and holidays. I am getting over and through the victim story, and seeing my part in the co-creation. And I am receiving a great deal of goodies from my willingness to dive deep into my shadow work.
One such blessing is that our daughter has a very present and grateful Daddy, and we both are having a very happy childhood. I am on board for the parenting journey in a way that I could not or would not be when I was in a relationship. Now I have her half the time, but double the fun, and the co-parenting is going smoothly. Being a Dad, something I once resisted as if my life depended upon it, has turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I take no moments of my time with my daughter for granted.
Another blessing is that I have become more creative, productive, and helpful to others, both in terms of my new Spiritual Dr. Seuss material, my gigs, and my coaching practice.
When I announced to my 5000 plus list last year that my life was falling apart, I lost a number of clients. I would not want to be coached by someone in the condition I was in. But as I have come full circle, my newer clients are getting so much more from me that I could have given a year or two ago. I notice that I am so much more compassionate and patient and with people who come to me for support. And my psychic and intuitive skills have dramatically improved. I guess all that grieving cleared a pipeline for more of my gifts and life purpose to shine on through.
Many of you sent me gifts of money a year ago, and I thank you so much for that. I bought a new guitar, which I badly needed. An IPad, which one can argue was not a need, but I am sure making good use of it, both professionally and personally. I also ‘bought’ some coaching/counseling, which was my deepest need. My goodness, if I hadn’t had weekly sessions with my coach/counselor I don’t know if I would have made it through. I needed someone to hold the light for me while I sobbed through the mess of my feelings, someone who could remind me that I wasn’t drowning in pain, I was releasing it. It was time to access the courage to be strong enough to let myself be weak, and I needed someone to be strong for me so I could fall apart. It has been said that only those who have the courage to fall apart find out how together they really are. This was my time.
Long after the gift money ran out and the debt ran up I continued getting weekly support from a coach, and still do. It is helping me re-build and renew my life. How can be a great coach if I do not let myself receive and learn from others?
One of the signposts that signaled for me that I was mostly on the other side of pain was the creation of my latest and incredibly delicious Spiritual Dr. Seuss poem:
The Story of Struggle and the Garden of Ease
That came through me in a few short months, easily and joyously, and it’s words, it’s message, and its frequency was something that is helping me define and clarify myself, my path, and my purpose on this planet. I am an ambassador of ease. When I am in my right mind, which is more and more these days, I live and breathe ease. I teach and transmit it with playfulness and gentleness. Gentleness is a big one. In my grief, I have learned to be gentle and patient with myself in the darkest, deepest, scariest places, and have emerged with my heart full of love and so much renewed enthusiasm to serve.
Earlier this month I was a keynote speaker at a conference in North Carolina. I did what I did: told some true stories from my life jouyrney, sang a few of my funny personal growth related songs from Levitational Pull, and shared three of my Spiritual Dr. Seuss poems.
The 400 plus people in attendance were deeply touched, rolling in the aisles, and blown away. Their response, appreciation, and the sold out book and CD sales filled me with clarity and confirmed for me that I’m on my way, that the grief work was all worth it, and that a new Scott has emerged from it.
I thank you all so much for your support during this year of transition. I’m pretty connected to and aware of joy most days, most moments. I’m excited about my future.
I trust the universe and God’s Plan, not my own.
I have no plans.
It will be fun to see where all this leads. There are more poems, more books, many more speaking gigs and travels. There is so much I have yet to create and give. That fact used to make me frustrated with myself, God, and the freakin’ slow ass process. Now I am excited, peaceful, and ever so patient. I can sense and track so many airplanes in the sky, patiently circling the airport, waiting for the Divine Air Traffic Controller to say the time is now to land.
For now, I have landed, and it feels pretty damn good.
Please let me know if and how I can serve you.
Scott Grace is a a speaker, recording artist of nine CD’s of music, and an intuitive life coach that has a blast playing Santa Claus all year ’round and giving away complementary thirty minute sessions. Say hello at www.scottsongs.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, or call him at 415 721 2954 to schedule a session. In addition, he is the author of the book, Teach Me How To Love, a True Story that Touches Hearts and Helps with the Laundry! Check it out at Amazon. On YouTube he is the Spiritual Dr. Seuss and his address there is www.youtube.com/user/skalechstein