My inner Donald Trump was anxiously looking over my shoulder when I started writing this, so I sent him down to Mar-a-Lago so I could write this post in peace.
Oh how my Inner Trump loves to blow the Trumpet proclaiming how huge I am!!
But underneath my Trumpian arrogance is quite an insecure Woody Allen type of character.
Both extremes are survival mechanisms.
And neither contains any truth about me.
In my childhood my mother, in response to anything I said that would trigger her fear of me having too much self-esteem, would try to bring me down to a comfortable (her comfort) level of self regard by proclaiming the words, “Self-praise is no recommendation!”
I never really understood what she meant by that, but I certainly interpreted it to mean that it was not cool to toot my own horn.
Funny how I grew up to become a self-employed entrepreneur. Self-promotion is part of what I signed up to do, and to toot my trumpet with joy, and hopefully a generous helping of humility.
But unworthiness loves to masquerade as humility, taking the form of a spiritual ego.
There is a balance to be found, and I am a work in progress, under construction, like all of us.
I like it best when others promote my work.
Putting myself out there in the world, exposing myself to the endless cesspool of people’s opinions and projections on social media and everywhere else public, has never been a cake walk for me.
There was a time that I overcompensated by hiding my Woody Allen insecurity behind my ego’s Donald Trump Towers of SuperStardom.
In the 1990’s I promoted as a a spiritually enlightened singing guru, a healer that could and would CHANGE YOUR LIFE in one weekend workshop! (Get in at the early bird discount! Don’t Miss This Incredible Event!)
In my mind I was huge, talented and gifted beyond compare, Trump Towering above the masses of average healers….
But underneath that….unworthiness in spades.
A lack of authentic self-love is always behind the scenes of an over the top Donald Trumpyness.
One day someone whom I looked up to, John Robbins, author of Diet for a New America and many other books, called me up. He was a fan of my music, and we had started a conversation about what it might take to have me come sing at one of his workshops.
On this occasion he got my answering machine.
On it I announced a workshop I was going to be leading over the following weekend. In a booming voice, I invited anyone and everyone to come to my miraculous Musical Healing Circle. I assured callers that it would CHANGE THEIR LIFE!
He left a quiet message. Very soft, unassuming and simple. Somehow, I felt intimidated just hearing him.
When I returned his call, John asked me if I was open to some feedback about my voice mail message. I said yes to my elder brother and mentor, although painfully squirming through every word of his feedback.
He laid his cards on the table, letting me know that he found my advertisement manipulative, over the top hype, and that he did not trust any workshop leader who made such lofty claims at such high volume.
He actually said I sounded more like a used car salesman than a healer.
Ouch. But I felt the truth in that. As the hot air deflated out of my ego’s balloon, I began to drop into my inner Woody Allen, the self doubt underneath the Trumped up version of myself.
For a few years after that I was shy and hesitant about putting my gifts and offerings out there. It’s never a long journey from arrogance to unworthiness.
Eventually I began to find some balance between those extremes, the ego facades of Donald Trump and Woody Allen.
Here’s where I am now:
I am not the giant of my fantasies, nor the dwarf of my insecurities. I am human, self-employed, and it is my joyful responsibility to let people know who I am and what I offer, so they can feel into whether or not I might be a fit for their needs.
It’s not about me. It’s about them.
I’m just like everyone on this planet, a work in progress.
Self-promotion, I’ve learned, is not self-elevation, thank God. Competition is worshiping the illusion of separation. There is no spiritual ladder to climb. It’s lonely at the top. As it is on the bottom. Comparing oneself to others is always a losing proposition.
I am not above or below the people I serve.
We are equals. And it is in our relationship as equals that healing occurs.
Curious about how I might be able to support you? Here’s a good place to start: https://www.scottsongs.com/life-coaching/
